Wednesday, September 23, 2015

How Do I Love Me for Me?

Not really sure what to call this post. Just wanted to vent or maybe just say what I've been thinking about in my head because I'm sure that I can't be the only woman out there that feels this way.
I am the mother of 4 little girls. Little girls that I adore and have made my life better and fuller than I ever imagined possible. I have an absolutely AMAZING husband who adores me and spoils me beyond my dreams. I have been fortunate enough to have been a stay at home mom for the last 9 years. All in all, I have a pretty blessed life and i thank God for all that He has given to me and to us!
About a year after the birth of my youngest daughter I decided I was tired of being fat. And I was. I had 3 kids within 3 years, took off a few years and had a 4th. It took a toll on my body and on my health. Yes, I was running around chasing kids all the time but I wasn't eating well at all! So, I decided that it was time to change that and do something about it. I started by changing my eating choices. I began logging all of my food by using an app and I counted every calorie that I consumed. Then I decided that I needed to add exercise in to the mix. I started with P90X...yep, talk about jumping in with both feet! But, after a few weeks I could see changes and I felt better. Eventually, I lost a total of 35 pounds and felt great! I had more energy and felt healthier and I was eating better than ever before in my life. I kept exercising 5 to 6 times a week and kept maintaining my weight loss. I would indulge now and again. I wasn't nearly as strict with my food as I was when I initially started the process. I managed to keep it all off until about a year ago when my family and I went on vacation and from that point on I had a battle with those stubborn last 3 or 4 pounds to lose. Not terrible and I was living with it. Then in May of this year I hurt my back and was unable to do much of anything for about 2 months. 2 months!?! I went from exercising 5 to 6 times a week to NOTHING. I could barely walk let alone think about burpees, squats, running or anything else! As those 2 months past, I could see and feel my body changing. I was losing muscle that I had worked so hard to gain. Once I got the ok to workout again, it took me a while but eventually I started to get back at it. Over the summer (most of which I couldn't do anything because of the back pain) I let myself go a little bit. I still tried to be mindful of what I ate but I was pretty much eating what I wanted...and watching my muscle disappear. UGH. I went on vacation with my husband, determined to have a good time and let loose and then get back on to the exercise wagon and start eating better once we got home. And we had a GREAT vacation! But I put on a few pounds (which I had expected) Now I'm back at the exercise and back at watching what I eat, which is great. But my big problem is this...I want to lose the weight and get my body back to what it was but I don't want to miss out on life with my family and friends. I enjoy taking my girls for ice cream and I don't want to be the mom that says, "you can have it but none for me". I also really enjoy going out to eat with my husband and friends. I don't want to be the person that says no to a night out because I don't have enough calories left for the day. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want life to pass me by without me experiencing it. But then why, WHY, when I look in the mirror, am I never happy with what I see? I always feel fat. I see my belly and cannot help but think to myself, "You have got to do something about that!" Why is it that I am never good enough for me? My husband has no complaints about how I look. He never did. He loves me for me. My girls don't complain about how I look. They love me regardless of how much I weigh. Why is it that I can't seem to love me for me? Why is it that when the scale goes up a pound or two, my husband can tell, without me even telling him, because of the mood I'm in that morning.Why am I never satisfied with the shape of my body? I'm not 18, not a supermodel and I never will be. I'm 39 with a husband and 4 girls. This body gave life to 4 girls. Why can't that be reason enough for me to love the way I look? I've read so many empowering articles about women who love their bodies no matter how they look and when I'm done reading I don't feel empowered. I think, "Wouldn't it be great to have that kind of self-confidence and self-acceptance and love for myself?" Why can't I get there? How do I get there?

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