Not really sure what to call this post. Just wanted to vent or maybe just say what I've been thinking about in my head because I'm sure that I can't be the only woman out there that feels this way.
I am the mother of 4 little girls. Little girls that I adore and have made my life better and fuller than I ever imagined possible. I have an absolutely AMAZING husband who adores me and spoils me beyond my dreams. I have been fortunate enough to have been a stay at home mom for the last 9 years. All in all, I have a pretty blessed life and i thank God for all that He has given to me and to us!
About a year after the birth of my youngest daughter I decided I was tired of being fat. And I was. I had 3 kids within 3 years, took off a few years and had a 4th. It took a toll on my body and on my health. Yes, I was running around chasing kids all the time but I wasn't eating well at all! So, I decided that it was time to change that and do something about it. I started by changing my eating choices. I began logging all of my food by using an app and I counted every calorie that I consumed. Then I decided that I needed to add exercise in to the mix. I started with P90X...yep, talk about jumping in with both feet! But, after a few weeks I could see changes and I felt better. Eventually, I lost a total of 35 pounds and felt great! I had more energy and felt healthier and I was eating better than ever before in my life. I kept exercising 5 to 6 times a week and kept maintaining my weight loss. I would indulge now and again. I wasn't nearly as strict with my food as I was when I initially started the process. I managed to keep it all off until about a year ago when my family and I went on vacation and from that point on I had a battle with those stubborn last 3 or 4 pounds to lose. Not terrible and I was living with it. Then in May of this year I hurt my back and was unable to do much of anything for about 2 months. 2 months!?! I went from exercising 5 to 6 times a week to NOTHING. I could barely walk let alone think about burpees, squats, running or anything else! As those 2 months past, I could see and feel my body changing. I was losing muscle that I had worked so hard to gain. Once I got the ok to workout again, it took me a while but eventually I started to get back at it. Over the summer (most of which I couldn't do anything because of the back pain) I let myself go a little bit. I still tried to be mindful of what I ate but I was pretty much eating what I wanted...and watching my muscle disappear. UGH. I went on vacation with my husband, determined to have a good time and let loose and then get back on to the exercise wagon and start eating better once we got home. And we had a GREAT vacation! But I put on a few pounds (which I had expected) Now I'm back at the exercise and back at watching what I eat, which is great. But my big problem is this...I want to lose the weight and get my body back to what it was but I don't want to miss out on life with my family and friends. I enjoy taking my girls for ice cream and I don't want to be the mom that says, "you can have it but none for me". I also really enjoy going out to eat with my husband and friends. I don't want to be the person that says no to a night out because I don't have enough calories left for the day. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want life to pass me by without me experiencing it. But then why, WHY, when I look in the mirror, am I never happy with what I see? I always feel fat. I see my belly and cannot help but think to myself, "You have got to do something about that!" Why is it that I am never good enough for me? My husband has no complaints about how I look. He never did. He loves me for me. My girls don't complain about how I look. They love me regardless of how much I weigh. Why is it that I can't seem to love me for me? Why is it that when the scale goes up a pound or two, my husband can tell, without me even telling him, because of the mood I'm in that morning.Why am I never satisfied with the shape of my body? I'm not 18, not a supermodel and I never will be. I'm 39 with a husband and 4 girls. This body gave life to 4 girls. Why can't that be reason enough for me to love the way I look? I've read so many empowering articles about women who love their bodies no matter how they look and when I'm done reading I don't feel empowered. I think, "Wouldn't it be great to have that kind of self-confidence and self-acceptance and love for myself?" Why can't I get there? How do I get there?