How Do I Love Me for Me?

Not really sure what to call this post. Just wanted to vent or maybe just say what I've been thinking about in my head because I'm sure that I can't be the only woman out there that feels this way.
I am the mother of 4 little girls. Little girls that I adore and have made my life better and fuller than I ever imagined possible. I have an absolutely AMAZING husband who adores me and spoils me beyond my dreams. I have been fortunate enough to have been a stay at home mom for the last 9 years. All in all, I have a pretty blessed life and i thank God for all that He has given to me and to us!
About a year after the birth of my youngest daughter I decided I was tired of being fat. And I was. I had 3 kids within 3 years, took off a few years and had a 4th. It took a toll on my body and on my health. Yes, I was running around chasing kids all the time but I wasn't eating well at all! So, I decided that it was time to change that and do something about it. I started by changing my eating choices. I began logging all of my food by using an app and I counted every calorie that I consumed. Then I decided that I needed to add exercise in to the mix. I started with P90X...yep, talk about jumping in with both feet! But, after a few weeks I could see changes and I felt better. Eventually, I lost a total of 35 pounds and felt great! I had more energy and felt healthier and I was eating better than ever before in my life. I kept exercising 5 to 6 times a week and kept maintaining my weight loss. I would indulge now and again. I wasn't nearly as strict with my food as I was when I initially started the process. I managed to keep it all off until about a year ago when my family and I went on vacation and from that point on I had a battle with those stubborn last 3 or 4 pounds to lose. Not terrible and I was living with it. Then in May of this year I hurt my back and was unable to do much of anything for about 2 months. 2 months!?! I went from exercising 5 to 6 times a week to NOTHING. I could barely walk let alone think about burpees, squats, running or anything else! As those 2 months past, I could see and feel my body changing. I was losing muscle that I had worked so hard to gain. Once I got the ok to workout again, it took me a while but eventually I started to get back at it. Over the summer (most of which I couldn't do anything because of the back pain) I let myself go a little bit. I still tried to be mindful of what I ate but I was pretty much eating what I wanted...and watching my muscle disappear. UGH. I went on vacation with my husband, determined to have a good time and let loose and then get back on to the exercise wagon and start eating better once we got home. And we had a GREAT vacation! But I put on a few pounds (which I had expected) Now I'm back at the exercise and back at watching what I eat, which is great. But my big problem is this...I want to lose the weight and get my body back to what it was but I don't want to miss out on life with my family and friends. I enjoy taking my girls for ice cream and I don't want to be the mom that says, "you can have it but none for me". I also really enjoy going out to eat with my husband and friends. I don't want to be the person that says no to a night out because I don't have enough calories left for the day. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want life to pass me by without me experiencing it. But then why, WHY, when I look in the mirror, am I never happy with what I see? I always feel fat. I see my belly and cannot help but think to myself, "You have got to do something about that!" Why is it that I am never good enough for me? My husband has no complaints about how I look. He never did. He loves me for me. My girls don't complain about how I look. They love me regardless of how much I weigh. Why is it that I can't seem to love me for me? Why is it that when the scale goes up a pound or two, my husband can tell, without me even telling him, because of the mood I'm in that morning.Why am I never satisfied with the shape of my body? I'm not 18, not a supermodel and I never will be. I'm 39 with a husband and 4 girls. This body gave life to 4 girls. Why can't that be reason enough for me to love the way I look? I've read so many empowering articles about women who love their bodies no matter how they look and when I'm done reading I don't feel empowered. I think, "Wouldn't it be great to have that kind of self-confidence and self-acceptance and love for myself?" Why can't I get there? How do I get there?

Emma knocked out a tooth...but not her tooth.

So, I was sitting in the living room with all of my girls and my sister tonight when Cecilia showed Angelina her loose tooth. It was loose but not ready to come out yet. Cecilia asked Angelina is she had a string (to tie around her tooth and pull it out) but Angelina told her it wasn't that loose yet and laughed it off. Cecilia and Emma were sitting facing each other and looking at the loose tooth and talking. I was otherwise occupied watching Helena and trying to coax her to put on her jammies when all of a sudden I heard a CRACK. I looked up to see Cecilia's stunned face and then she started to laugh as she explained that Emma just punched her in the tooth. Now, I am pretty sure this was all Cecilia's idea, as she already wanted to put a string around it to pull it out, and that Emma very politely did as her sister requested. Cecilia showed us her tooth, through her laughter, and we all realized that it was indeed bleeding and hanging on by a thread. Seeing as how I don't do well with blood, Angelina took her and eventually pulled out the tooth. At this point, Emma was hysterically crying (she was not in trouble and I was certainly not mad at her) and Cecilia was overjoyed because the Tooth Fairy gets to come tonight.

Never a boring night at the Shafnisky house!

Pain...

Last week I was thinking that I would write a post about kids and dealing with pain. We have had our share of pain,both emotional and physical, around here lately (certainly nothing major but some physical ailments, a scheduled ear tube procedure and some friend trouble). Nothing major, but nonetheless, pain. I was thinking that I would write about how hard it is to see your child in pain, physical or emotional. How, as a parent, all you want to do is scoop them up, hold them and deploy your magical, protective force-field that can protect them from everything, all while having Mommy or Daddy holding them tightly in their arms. I know that's what I want to do when I see my girls sick or hurting over a friend who turned out to be not such a good friend. All things we can get through pretty easily but I still don't like to see my girls in pain.

Then Friday came.

I was running crazy holiday errands all day with Helena in tow. She was great all day and we accomplished A LOT. I was feeling really good about things. So happy that we were able to accomplish so many things in one day. We headed right to school after we finished and parked in the parent pick up line to wait for our other girls.

That was when things changed.

I put on a movie for Helena and took out my phone and opened my Facebook app. As I was scrolling through everyone's posts I was confused by the things I was seeing. I had left the house at 9:00 AM and had not been back since. I knew something had happened but I wasn't sure what so I opened my ABC News app and there it was.

In black and white.

As I started to read, the tears welled up in my eyes and eventually just poured down my cheeks. As I sat there reading about those poor babies, teachers, and staff I absolutely broke down and cried and cried. It wasn't a pretty cry or a slight cry. It was a full-on, ugly, gut wrenching, soul depleting cry. I pulled it together enough to get my girls, even though they knew something was wrong with Mommy, and I took them for ice cream.

Because ice cream helps make everything better.

Or at least we pretend it does.

After ice cream we came home and just were together. The weekend continued on, and we decided to keep the girls in the dark because we just couldn't figure out if we should tell them anything or not. We decided not to talk to them about it. I wanted to get out that force-field and keep them away from this for as long as possible. Their weekend was just like any other weekend, filled with activities and normalcy. My weekend was a bit different.

I cried.

A lot.

And I kept crying.

Everytime I thought about what happened or heard about it or read about it.

I cried.

I'm not sure why this has been hitting me so hard exactly. If it is because I was a teacher or if it is because those babies were the same age as my babies are. Just can't seem to figure it out. But I know that it has affected me.

A lot!

I have talked to my husband, friends, my mom and my sister and I still cannot wrap  my head around it.

How does this happen?

Who hurts babies like that?

Why???

My husband reminded me that the Catholic, Christian thing to do is to forgive and that is the way to begin the healing. I wish I could but I don't know how to get there.  I don't even know if it is my place to forgive. I just know that I am angry, hurt and incredibly sad. And I'm not sure how to change that.

I know that as I got my girls ready for school this morning, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach (as I am sure most parents felt). We all piled in to the car and headed for school. I know this school and I know these teachers. I went to school there as a child and I taught there as an adult. I know that safety is a priority and that the students are always put first. I never doubt that. but I bet those parents in Newtown felt the same way and never thought that anything would happen at their school. As I pulled away, the tears welled up in my eyes. Usually, watching my girls walk in to school together is one of the cutest and best parts of my day. Today, that is not how I was feeling.

Today I was sad.

Really sad.

I said a silent prayer for my girls, all of the students and teachers here as well as all of those in Newtown.

If I am feeling this way, I cannot imagine how the parents that lost a child are feeling right now. I hope and pray that those parents, teachers, staff and students can begin to find some peace and begin the healing process.

Work, work, work

As if life in our house isn't crazy enough, I have recently undertaken a new task each week.

I have been a stay at home Mom since the birth of our second daughter, almost 7 years ago. I love it! I love every precious little second that I get to spend with my girlies. I am incredibly thankful that my husband works as hard as he does so that I am able to be at every school function, every parent/teacher conference, every play date...every everything! It has been a dream. But life has a way of getting really expensive with a family of 6, So,about a year or so ago I started doing some work for Tommy at night after the kids were in bed. I would work from about 8 until I was done, some nights that was 9 and some nights it was 11:30 but it was all good. Well, Tommy has been working and working and growing his business and has decided he needs some help in the office. So, I am now working from home at night, not every night maybe only 2-3 times a week, AND I am helping in the office 2 days a week part time. I drop the girls off at school, the baby at my Mom and Dad's house and off to work I go. I work until I have to leave to pick the kids up from school and then all of the afternoon activities begin. For those two days, it is nonstop motion, nonstop going and nonstop craziness. Which leads me to  my point.
Mommies...we ALL work extremely hard at what we do. It is, without a doubt, the most rewarding but most difficult job in the world. There are so many days that I feel like I do not have a clue what I am doing with my poor girls and that they will be facing a lifetime of therapy because of me. And then there are days where I finally begin to feel like I have it all under control...which is usually followed by one of those aforementioned days of self-doubt. But everyday, I get up again and start all over knowing that I really am doing the very best that I can be doing for them. But to all of the Mommies that work from home or outside of the home (and by work I mean work at something other than raising our children) I am in complete awe of you. I have no idea how you do it! I am run ragged by the end of the day and feel like I just ran a marathon. And forget about dinner. There is no way I could possibly cook on those days. Not necessarily only because there is legitimately NO TIME to do anything between picking up from school, doing homework and running out the door for our next activity but because I couldn't possibly muster the energy or desire to actually be responsible for making them something to eat that is actually good for them.
It has to get easier, right?
I mean, I'm sure eventually I will get the hang of this and I will get us in to some kind of routine or system of some kind and maybe, just maybe, I will dust off my pots and pans and cook for my family again...something other than hot dogs, pizza or macaroni and cheese.

Birchbox - November

So, I received my November Birchbox and unfortunately, I have to say that I was less than impressed. This makes me kind of sad because I always look forward to getting the Birchbox and seeing what great stuff it holds for me! This month was lackluster to say the least (in my very humble opinion). Oh well, maybe the December box will be better!

Here is what it contained...

 As you can probably see, this is a cupcake bath bomb. I haven't used it yet but I can tell you that it was crumbled in the box and left a dusting on everything else in there. Maybe, sometime in the future, I might get to enjoy some quiet time and I will give this a try ; )

I tried this a few times on both freshly washed and dried hair and on 1 day dirty hair. I read and followed the directions on the can but I didn't really notice any difference. Hmph.

If you have read my blog before, then you probably know how I feel about mascara. I don't think I could really live without the stuff. It is my make-up essential!!!! I was super excited to find a full size new mascara in the box...but disappointed once I used it. My very first thought when I was applying it was that it was VERY dry! It took many, many coats of this mascara to look like I had anything on at all. Once I put on a few dozen coats of it, it looked nice but I need something with a quick and easy application.

I did really like this perfume sample. It was fresh and light and was a nice change to what I usually wear. Even Tommy liked it!

 

This was also included but I don't usually mess with a good thing...chocolate is a good thing so there is really no need in my eyes to add anything to it. It is pretty much delicious enough on its own (in the interest of full disclosure I do enjoy peanut M&Ms as well as a Hershey bar with almonds and chocolate and peanut butter...but who can resist chocolate and peanut butter?) Anyway, the popping and exploding was what ultimately turned me off of this. I didn't even try it but I might see if I can find someone brave enough to give it a shot.

This little pouch was in th box as well and you are supposed to use it to give someone else a gift (since it was November and the theme was about giving) I will be saving this little number for Christmas! Kind of makes you wish your name was on my Christmas list, doesn't it??? hee hee hee

 

Thanks for reading!

Talk soon,

-Jess

Fantasyland Preview Part 2!

When we went for our Fantasyland preview, we were lucky enough to be able to see both The Beauty and The Beast section AND The Little Mermaid section.

They were both amazing!

The Little Mermaid section was surrounded by water and you really felt like you were entering Ariel's world!

As you enter the line for the ride, you are taken to a world by the sea. It is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful!

The attention to detail is amazing!

A little blurry...sorry about that!

Then you enter your the ride and it takes you through the story of The Little Mermaid.

After the ride was over we moved along to spend a few minutes with Ariel herself!

She was beautiful and took a few minutes to chat with our ladies, who were completely entranced!

 Can't wait to be a part of her world again next year!!!

Fantasyland Preview!

When we took our annual trip to Disney World in the beginning of November, we were lucky enough to get to take a sneak peak at the new Fantasyland expansion which is set to officially open December 6th.

We started out preview with the new Beauty and the Beast experience.

It. Was. Awesome.

That is pretty much all I can say about it!

Especially if you have a little one who really loves Belle!

Add this to your list of things you must do!

This is a picture of the Beast's castle.

Belle and Maurice's cottage. So adorable!

The details were amazing!

Our ladies loved the well.

 

It is exactly how you think it would look!

A portrait inside the house.

When you move through the house, you are greeted by the Wardrobe. It is there where people in the crowd are given roles to help retell the story of Belle and the Beast. (My entire family had roles and they were super cute! Even my hubby was chosen!)

After the story is finished, they let everyone in the cast take pictures with Belle! Lila was SOOOO excited!!!

Then we made our way over to Be Our Guest restaurant and we were able to walk through. It is beautiful inside! The pictures just don't do it justice. I cannot wait to go back next year so we can have dinner!

I am so glad that we had this opportunity as I can only imagine what the lines will be like next time we visit! I have a feeling that we will be making a return to trip to see Belle again no matter what the lines are like!

We did make our way to Gaston's Tavern for some treats!

We HAD to try the enormous cinnamon rolls!

It was good...not great but good. I think I may need to try it again just to be sure : )

My girls loved it though!

We also tried the pork shank.

This picture cannot properly show you just how enormous this piece of meat was!

This I will definitely be having again!

We also went to Ariel's Grotto.

Stay tuned for my pictures of that experience!

Thanks for visiting!!!

Jess